Anthony Clifton Sr.

While living in a homeless shelter, I found that the first six months went by very fast.  It was the middle of April of 2008. I found myself standing outside the complex, looking at the trees and listening to the birds chirping. It was a beautiful spring morning.

As I began to take in this gorgeous morning, my mind began to question, “How did I get here?” I was fifty-five and my mind began to examine my past failures, in all areas. Stupid choices I made: Two failed marriages, lost connections with my three children, and grandkids, a small business that went up in smoke, and a Church I started from scratch. It all seemed to have blown away in the winds of time. The shame and the embarrassments I felt. Especially after having an onset of depression, for the first time in my life. Being diagnosed with Major Depression Recurrent. I was trying to learn how to deal with these new symptoms that would grip me and would send me into a spiraling downward direction, into a sea of self destruction, where there is no return.  

But at the same time that I was reviewing these episodes of failure, little sparks of some successes began to pop into my head. In the past they have popped in through the gaps of failures in my life,
 I would say; “That’s right!”  I thought to myself, my life is not a total failure; I have had some accomplishments and successes.

Just the fact, that after three suicide attempts, I was still here, living and breathing. It’s as if during the process of trying to leave this world, God reached down and pulled me upwards before I made it to the sea of no return. I had a business, for close to fifteen years which was successful and profitable. I planted a Church, in Oakland, CA., which started from a Bible study in my home is still thriving today, and whom the congregation still calls me Pastor.

Although in the cases of my failed marriages, there were times when I did make a lot of bad choices and mistakes. But I have learned from those times, when I felt I knew it all, and no one could tell me anything. There were times when I felt I had the world all figured out. Now I realize how little I really knew about life and relationships.  

In the case of my three children, I did miss out on their teenage years, especially the times when they really needed me, and the other times I did not make myself available to them in their lives. This void in their lives turned into resentment toward me, although I do have hope of reconciliation with them. I believe as long as there is life, there is opportunity. This will be my Life’s quest, to mend my relationships with my children and grandkids.

For instance in the case of two failed marriages: What I learned from the first marriage was that I did not have the knowledge or a conception how to fight hard for my family to stay together. This caused long term undesirable consequences with my children growing up, and the things they had to go through during their teenage years without me. My relationship with them as adults was strained and fragile. Which as a result this has been a heart breaker for me. I learned from this that a marriage of thirteen years with children involved is worth all the effort you have to make it work. Its worth all the energy you have. Things can always work out with proper counseling.
Some twenty years later I decided to marry again. Remembering what I had learned from my previous marriage, I was determined to fight as hard as I could to keep the marriage intact. Trying to please my mate, I fought tooth and nail to make it work for close to ten years. Because of her past encounters and issues with men this was an impossible task. I tried so hard to be what she wanted me to be, that after nine years I lost my identity, and who I really was. I later understand that this was in part one of the contributing factors to my mental condition.  What I did learn was, “you can have a love as great, and large as a tsunami, with all the power and energy that it produces.” Pour it into a relationship, and if the other person in is not open to your love, it’s null, and powerless.
I must say that both marriages they were not total disasters. There were a lot of accomplishments and successes.
 
What I have learned through my looking back at my life failures is to not label them as failures, but to look at them as mistakes. When I look at them as mistakes rather than failures, and what I have learned from them, all I see is a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. So that’s why I wrote this book. If this book only helps one person, then it’s worth all the effort. I know it has been helpful to me in the writing process of this book.
I also hope to inspire those of the mental health and the homeless communities along with those of our society that there is an untapped value that lies in our mental heath and homeless communities.

Where I grew up

Oakland, California

Places I've lived

Oakland,; Richmond

Companies I've worked for

A.C. Transit; Finishes by Tony; J&J finishers

Schools I've attended

Fremont High; Clawson Elementry; Havenscort jr. High; San Jose St.; National Univ.