I control your mind . . .

via Emerald's Eyes by Emeraldwynn3@gmail.com (Emerald Wynn) on 3/14/10

HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Someone posted that on Facebook the other day and it made me laugh. (And I'm too lazy today to take bad pics.)

OK.

Anybody who knows me well knows that I'm often agonizing about the amount of time I spend in Second Life and whether it's healthy. My . . . second? I think? . . . rez day is coming up and lately I've been thinking about, well, I guess how surprised I am to still be here!

The first time I logged on, I did it because I was newly relocated to a small city for a job and subsequently socially isolated. I logged on out of curiosity, looking for a brief diversion and a possible PR opportunity for my company, never thinking that I'd make friends and get so emotionally invested in a few people, let alone the whole damn place.

It's only been recently — when I've looked at my Visa card statements and have been sort of SHOCKED at the amount of money I spend in SL, not to mention the equally shocking revelation that I've been celibate for almost a year — that I've once again started trying to tone down my second life a little. I learned the hard way that quitting cold turkey (or possibly even for good) will never work for me. I love you guys way too much!

Instead I've settled for a more comfortable compromise of limiting the time and money I spend there. And so far I've been pretty successful at it. (Finally having a damn job helps too.)

The constant beating myself up over this question — and I know you're sick of it, so if anything, scroll down to the questions or run like hell; I don't blame you — is by no means a reflection of my opinion of other people who spend tons of time in world. We all have our reasons for being here and loving the place. In my case, it's just the fact that my life has changed so drastically since I first logged in -- from being pretty social to hardly going out at all -- that worries me. And I'm actually not blaming Second Life for that change.

Unfortunately, I came to Second Life when I had sort of hit this rock-bottom depression in my life and SL became a really wonderful and convenient escape. During a time when I really should have been making an effort to push myself back out into the world and make human connections, instead I holed up in my apartment and stayed on my laptop for hours at a time. I still haven't fully bounced back completely, I think. I went to a (real) club with some friends last night and it felt foreign. And the dating thing -- I haven't really dated anyone seriously since I don't know when. But I'm taking baby steps.

And I do think I'll soon reach a point where Second Life will truly feel like an occasional recreational activity for me and not something I feel guilty about.

On that note, for the hell of it, I went to the Web site of On-Line Gamers Anonymous (OLGA). That alone was enough to convince me that I haven't yet become an "online gaming addict." (A lotta FREEEEEEEEKS over there, and I'm gonna burn in hell for saying that.) While keeping in perspective the fact that SL isn't really a "game" in OLGA's sense of the word, I did find their list of screening questions interesting ones to ponder as they pertain to SL:

• Are the majority of your friends those with whom you play games?

Counts them . . . no

• Do you try to find ways of playing your online game when you are not at home?

Occasionally, but in my defense, my job can get hella boring

• Are you unable to predict time spent gaming?

I don't understand this question. I am unable to predict anything.

• Do you deny addiction to a MMORPG, but somehow still feel the need to play?

Possibly or I wouldn't be writing this LONG ASS blog post

• Do you feel preoccupied with gaming (do you think about previous gaming activity or anticipate your next session)?

Sometimes I think about Second Life when I'm not logged on, yeah. Is it a preoccupation? I don't know. Maybe on 50L Fridays. :D

• Do you spend much of your free time surfing game-related websites?

Gulp, yeah. I check iheartsl throughout the day, as well as other blogs in my blog roll. But I need to qualify this admission with "my free time online," not in general.

• Do you spend a significant amount of time outside the game in activities relating to the game?

HAHAHA besides wishing my boobs had sliders, no.

• Do you often check your gaming boards before doing other things that you need to do?

Not really relevant, unless you count checking blog comments and then, yes, sometimes.

• Do you find yourself flirting with those of the opposite sex in the game in an attempt to build a relationship?

An adamant no. The only man I deemed worthy of flirtation hasn't answered my IMs in more than a month. *pointedly coughs up a butterfly and raises an eyebrow*

• Do you feel your heart racing as you control your character in a flee from danger?

HAHAHAHA -- only when I visit those zombie sims. We need more danger in SL!

• Do you feel a sudden rush of intense joy/sense of euphoria and relaxation after an in-game accomplishment?

I finally got some Truth hair named after me. WOOOOOOOOOOOT! (oops, I guess that's a "yes")

• Do you experience stronger emotions while in your online game than you do in real life?

I guess this scenario is what stresses me out the most because at the moment, yes. :(

• Do you ever refer to yourself by the name of your In-Game character, or cling to your character's name for your emails, instant messenger, etc?

I've slipped up four times and signed work and personal e-mails as "Emerald," which was one of the first signs that made me worry about what, if anything, was going on with my mental health in relation to SL. I've also accidentally referred to a traffic jam as "lag" and during the Oscars, I said to my mom, "That dress could really use some glitch pants." OOPS.

• Do you occupy uninterested friends/family/partner with conversation about the game?

I used to, until they begged me to stop. Consequently, this blog was born.

• Do you attempt to get friends/family/partner to play, so you can play more?

I used to, but they either don't have time or "don't get it." But it wasn't so I could "play more," it was so I could virtually hang out with them, since they live all over the world.

• Do you feel closer to your character than to your real self?

• Have you withdrawn from real life hobbies?

(Is sex a hobby?) And yep, unfortunately I hardly ever read books anymore or make jewelry or write real blogs. :(

• Do you eat at the computer while gaming or do you skip meals to game?

I do often eat meals at the computer when I'm in SL, but not as much as I used to. But can I clarify that answer by saying that I usually eat alone, so I'd rather eat in front of a screen of some sort than alone at a table?

• Have your sleep patterns changed or do you lose sleep due to late-night raids/gaming?

I often used to stay up all night goofing off in SL with friends. I don't do this much anymore, although I did Friday night.

• Have you experienced physical effects from excessive gaming (e.g. carpal tunnel, eye strain, weight change, back ache, sore neck, arms, wrist)?

OK, so I'm totally starting to feel like I'm failing a test now. :(

• Do you spend real money on the purchase of in-game items?

At least $100 a month, if not more, which comes to $1,200 to $2,400 a year. Yep. That answer alone is enough to scare the BEJEEZUS out of me.

• Do you often become defensive or secretive when you are asked what you do when you are gaming?

Forget what I do — I'm pretty secretive about the whole fact that I have an avatar in Second Life, mainly because most people don't understand it and I don't want my coworkers to find this blog and think I'm insane.

• Do you deny, rationalize and minimize the negative consequences of gaming?

Note that I have an excuse with almost every "yes" answer to these questions

• Do you feel the need to proclaim that your life is perfect by listing all of your life's achievements, and yet still game for 4-6 hours per day?

HA HA HA, I'm thinking of one person in particular here who's great at doing this, but my answer is NO. (My life is pretty suckalicious right now and I'm an open book about it.)

• Do you neglect household chores to spend time gaming?

If I posted pictures of my room and bathroom right now, you guys would immediately call that show "Hoarders." But I neglect household chores to do ANYTHING besides household chores.

• Have you given up or reduced time spent at important social, occupational, or recreational activities in your real life to play the game?

Yes :(

• Do you prefer the excitement of gaming to intimacy with your partner?

Uh . . . I don't use my "personal massage tool" as much these days, if that counts. :\

• Has your excessive gaming caused trouble at home?

Yes — my parents and a good friend are the ones who asked me to look at the OLGA Web site. :(

• Have you missed work/school because of your game playing?

I've missed work because there are days when I just can't deal with my job. And yes, I usually spend those (ironically) "mental health days" in SL. But I've never . . . OK, only once . . . called in sick because of something going on in SL.

• Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of your game playing?

Back when I was often spending about eight hours a day in world, I do believe I missed out on some great job opportunities.

• Do you wish people would mind their own business about your gaming and stop telling you what to do?

YES

• Do you try to hide how long you've been gaming?

Yes :(

• Do you often snap, yell, or act annoyed if someone interrupts you while you are gaming?

I don't know how to answer this question because I live with my parents atm and they annoy me almost all the time period. (Bless their hearts.)

• Do you tell yourself you can stop playing the game any time you want to, even though you keep playing when you don't mean to?

Yes :(

• Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop your game playing?

Yes :(

• Do you have difficulty staying away from gaming for several days at a time?

Yes :(

• Do you feel the need to play the game for increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?

• Do you often fear that life without gaming would be boring, empty, and joyless?

You know what? NO. Of course not. So there's that, at least.

• Have you ever decided to stop playing the game for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

Hey, we already covered this question, bitch-ass OLGA, and the answer was yes. Keep rubbing it in. >:-(

• Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop your gaming? Does it go away once you have started gaming again?

• Have you ever switched from one game to another in the hope it will keep you from playing so much?

Not applicable. I'm really not a gamer. But if Facebook counts, yes. I use my RL Facebook to stay anchored in reality. And the fact that I need something to stay anchored in reality is a big scary issue that I'm just gonna avoid right now.

• Have you lied to family members, a therapist, or others to conceal the extent of your involvement with gaming?

Already said yes to this. Just kick me when I'm down, OLGA. :(

• Do you use gaming as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g. Feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

Hell. Yes.

• Do you envy people who can play the game without getting into 'trouble'?

I have no idea what this question means. I envy people who can spend time in SL without someone harping at them about it and making them look at badly designed Web sites like OLGA's. So in that respect, yeah.

• Do you feel guilt, shame, anxiety or depression around the time you spend gaming?

The fact that this is probably the 80th post reflecting my internal tug-of-war on this topic, I would say yep.

• Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not play the game so much?

I miss my life as it was about two years ago, when I laughed a lot, loved a lot, had a hell of a lot more energy and tried to live each day to the fullest. I don't blame my involvement in SL for the loss of those dimensions though. And I'm not sure what would happen if I "did not play the game so much" — I suspect that at this low-although-rising-from-the-ashes stage of my life, I'd just find another diversion. It's not "the game" — it's me.

[So, um, I guess by OLGA's standards I could be an addict. Who knows? All I know is that I totally wanna download the song "Not an Addict" by K's Choice now.]

Prompted by the recent online game-related tragedy in South Korea, Prokofy Neva addresses the topic of whether online games can become addictions here. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that blog rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but occasionally I agree with a few points, albeit not as, uh, vehemently. (Like, um, don't get me started on the Melt exhibit, although I always appreciate people with good intentions, regardless of whether I agree with them.)

And as long as we're on the subject of that blog, this post made me laugh my ass off: CLICKY! Just the fact that someone filled his parcel with bouncing balls cracked me the hell up.

So, this is the longest post of 2010 so far and what a DAMN CHIPPER ONE as I approach my rez day! I just thought some of you might be interested in the above questions. I was.

But then again, I'm neurotic like that.

(If anyone actually made it to the end of this post, I am FREEKIN' IMPRESSED.)

The Penthouse: Really?

via PhotoshopDisasters by Cosmo7 on 3/10/10

Really? I mean, really?

Thanks to August and GP!

Liisi 28.02.2010

via Shapely Onions! by Nuuna Nitely on 3/10/10

Liisi 28.02.2010, originally uploaded by Nuuna Nitely.

Jacket: [ATOMIC] Everyday Hoodie - Black
Pants: [ATOMIC] I <3 Corduroy - Black - flared
Shirt: [ATOMIC] Sheer Comfort_Worn - Pitch Black
Skin: [ATOMIC] Skin_Hope_Porcelain - Dreamy Pale FRECK
Hair: MILLA BLACK / I LOVE OLIVE HAIR/SCRIPT
Tattoo: ::LEO-NT:: I <3 U tattoo [black] 2
Eyes: <<< negaposi >>> Lunar EYES - Eclips
Shoes: PornStar Xtra Hi-Tops MultiColor v2

First Time Customer

via AmazingSuperPowers: Webcomic at the Speed of Light » Comics by Wes on 2/18/10

Here is a comic even though Tony just came back from Mars while Wes dissed some organized insects.

Ribcage Dress by Sims Overdrive

via Spring4Sims by HannahSpring on 2/17/10

OMG! Sims Overdrive hasn’t updated in months and now here come these awesome dresses! I’m not a big fan of skulls, skeltons and such things, but this dress is so pretty anyway! Yes, I’m in love.

Download link

New Moon: The Stolen Six Pack

via PhotoshopDisasters by Cosmo7 on 2/25/10

Hmm cough hrrrm cough cough mmmrhhhhgrmmmmm cough cough.

Thanks to Anita!

Separation Anxiety

via What Is This Crap? on 3/1/10

I've been having some pretty bad bouts of insomnia as of late. Some of it's due to a run of questionable health. Some of it's due to the cats deciding to wrestle at odd hours. Some of it's due to the Mrs. and I having vastly different schedules. How does one depict insomnia? I've tried to envision it in a way similar to Dali's "Persistence Of Memory" but that's not quite right. Perhaps there's a more simple way to show how one wants to rest, but also wants to get up and go.

Amazing what you can do with some alpha masks, an alt, and clothing that can transfer, right?

The hardest part of a split-avatar snapshot is making the alpha-break a smooth and seemingly natural one. Props such as a pillow or a blanket can help with the dividing line.

kawaii not: vampire love

via Kawaii Not on 9/22/09

september 22 2009:

New strip -- Oh the tragedy of vampire love! It starts all romantic and epic, but so often ends with tears and heartbreak. And if it really goes bad, spears and heart-stake.

There are new t-shirts (well, one new and one classic) available for pre-order. But be quick! They'll only be available until October 2nd.

Oh yes, and be sure to check out my Etsy store this week. I've added some new paintings that might just tickle your fancy. And I know how much you like to have your fancy tickled ;D

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