The Irony of Pretending

by BabyNiki
Source: deviantart.com
Longer Version: baby-niki.blogspot.de
German Translation: Ironie von tbcg

I glanced up at the clock. Twenty minutes! I could do it… I could really do it, and in school of all places! All I needed to do was let go! If I do it now then I am literally going to be messy till break time! That’s such a long time away! And the smell… what about the smell?

My mind’s racing; falling through layers of my subconscious, hitting every fantasy on the way down, contemplating making one of the darkest, dirtiest dreams a reality! I’d planned this! It was only a few hours ago that I was giving myself an enema, shaking with excitement, hot all over even in the cold shower! I can’t chicken out now! One part of me was begging for it to happen, while another – the rational side of me – was making me shake with fear! I… can I?

I gently placed down my pen, taking a casual look around to make sure everyone’s eyes were as oblivious to my presence as I needed them to be while pretending to let out a huge yawn, and with as much patience as a horny girl wanting to humiliate herself could muster, I slipped my hand under my desk. My stomach rumbled, the heavy weight of the water increasing the pressure inside me. The small amount of soap I’d put in with it was giving me ever-increasing cramps!

As I imagine the situation that I’m about to put myself into, I felt my hand almost instinctively press against my lap: Feeling the clammy padding snug against my clit under my shorter-than-usual skirt made the feeling in my legs almost disappear! I pressed down slowly, feeling the cool urine pool between my thighs as it was pressed out of the diaper like a sponge. I’ve been wet in this since the bus stop, and yet, I could barely smell my own ‘accident’; these thick diapers are good like that. God, imagine if I was naked! Everyone could see me, right on the edge of an orgasm from pissing in a diaper over an hour ago!

I waited for a moment, panting slightly too hard, sweat coating my skin under my summer uniform. I wondered who else in the class would ever do this; who else was pretending to listen to the tutor while living a fantasy so deviant most won’t even know the name of it! About to start an entire day at school in a diaper that any sane person wouldn’t sit in for a minute! A diaper I’m contemplating making dirtier. I didn’t even pack a change!

I can’t deny myself this! I slipped the tip of my index finger further between my thighs, teasing my own crotch playfully, a single digit rubbing over the plastic surface that was falling apart from all the rubbing I’d put into it just before leaving for school.

At this point, the pressure from my bowels was so prominent it would have demanded I ran to the toilet over an hour ago if this was a normal day, but it’s quite clear now that this isn’t a normal day: Today, just before I start class, I can experience something so devastatingly humiliating that I’m almost cumming from the thought alone! The most perfectly sinister part of this whole situation is that I know if I orgasm, I won’t have the strength to hold off this accident time bomb. For every tick of that clock, I know I’m getting closer to the point of no return!

My right hand fell into an all too familiar pattern, dancing over the squishy padding, driving waves of pleasure through me. Slowly at first – I didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention – but as the sensations built up my rhythm began to lead itself, and more quickly than I care to admit, just before the crinkling became too loud for comfort, I practically exploded as my libido sky rocketed! My knees pressed up hard against the base of my desk as my entire torso tightened! I squeezed my legs closed, my own wetness indistinguishable from the accident I’d had earlier, my mouth locked in the kinkiest of gasps by the force of it, and true to my guess, the huge, disgusting mess finally found itself pressing up against my diaper as if I had no control at all!

It had the consistency of oatmeal! My mind flashed back to the video I’d made of my first time, and how thoroughly my diaper was stained brown by the muddy liquid! I’m sure that even a peak at this thing would reveal what I’d done.

Oh God! Oh God!… Oh Gooooooodddd what have I done!? I was hit by a flurry of aftershocks as if my pussy was being assaulted repeatedly by a cattle prod, and as I inevitably squirmed from the pleasure of it I couldn’t help but spread my filth all over my backside!

My face is burning, and although I tried not to, I instinctively looked around, meeting more than one pair of eyes! For every person who knew at least some of what I’d just done in class, the feelings practically doubled, as if my own humiliation amplified the orgasm! I felt like I’d just been turned into jelly! A moment later, as I looked up at the clock – fifteen minutes left of registration – I was suddenly hit by my own smell! Oh god it’s horrible! My hand darted upwards, and as my form tutor called my name I could barely say “May I be excused?” She didn’t quite catch me so I painfully asked again.

She must have sensed something was wrong because she nodded quickly, not after holding eye contact long enough to let me know she wasn’t too happy about my request. I stuffed my work book into my handbag, dropping my pen in the process. I realized I’d have to crouch down to pick it up so I decided to forget about it. I also realized I’d need to hop my chair backwards to give myself enough room to stand up! Oh shit! Did I forget that bouncing is the worst thing to do in a messy diaper?

I breathed hard, in that moment tried to forget the state I’m in as I freed my quivering legs from the table. As I rose to my shaking feet I was so fearful of my journey through the classroom in this noisy, drooping, almost leaking smelly diaper that I forgot about my general lack of balance post-orgasm. In under a second I found myself falling face first into the isle in front!

It took people a few seconds to realize… but then, one by one, I could practically sense their stares analyzing the thick, wet, stained adult diaper that couldn’t be more firmly taped to my rear. A thunderstorm of laughter erupted from the class as I regained my balance, and in my fear, I blurted out “I’m incontinent you jerks! It means I need diapers for the rest of my life!”

As I ran from the room, there was stone cold silence behind me.

Oh God no!

—

I was standing in a cubicle in the bathroom, not wanting to sit down right now. I wish I had packed something to change into! As I tried to work out what to do, my best friend in the world, Emily, knocked on the cubicle door. I let her in.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” she asked. She looked angry!? How could she be angry at me right now!?

“I- what do you mean?”

“Stop playing around, you’re incontinence! Why didn’t you tell me about it? Don’t you trust me?”

“No… no it’s not like that! I…” I didn’t know what to say.

“When did it start? Not to sound pervy or anything but I know for a fact you haven’t been wearing diapers for long! Remember our sleep over last month?”

“Yeah I know… there’s… been a misunderstanding!” I turned to look at the wall. I couldn’t look at her! Not like this!

“What do you mean a misunderstanding? I’m not trying to offend you or anything but it’s pretty clear what you’ve done in that diaper!” She grabbed the hem of my skirt and lifted it. I tried to slap her away but she stopped me.

“I know! I…” my face turned more red than that classroom. “I did it on purpose.”

“WHAT!?”

“It’s… I’ve got a fetish.” Emily’s mouth fell even more open. She was silent for a long time.

“You mean; you get off on this?”

“…Yeah, I guess.”

“I mean, I’ve heard about it… you know, the internet, but… you!? In schooooolllll!?” I simply nodded. I could barely look her in the eye.

“God, even though you know it’s out there, you never expect it to be so close to you. So you’ve done it before? I mean, nobody’s first time is at school!”

“A few times…” She was actually taking it better than I expected her too.

“Everyone in class thinks you’ve got a medical condition! You can’t let anyone find out that you did it for kicks!”

“I… cant. I could say it was temporary?”

“I’m pretty sure you said ‘for the rest of my life’ back there when you screamed at us! Best give it a few weeks so people are hazy about the details. Besides, you can’t go from messing yourself to being fine in a day!”

“Shit! So what can I do? I’ll have to stop doing PE…”

“Evidentally. God that smell! Did you bring a diaper to change into?”

“No!”

“Clean yourself up, put your panties back on and we’ll go into town to get some!” I didn’t even bring panties.

“I… didn’t bring any.”

“What? Then you need to go home! Have you got money for a taxi?”

“No I’m getting the bus…”

“That’s ages away!”

“Yeah.”

“Well, at least it’ll give you practice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Wearing Diapers. You’ll be in them for a while.”

“You expect people to look up my skirt?”

“Unless you’re one hundred percent certain you’ll never get exposed, and you know you can’t be, you’ll need to keep up the illusion! Think about it, everyone will want to see your diaper! I hate to tell you this, but the only way you’ll be able to hide it is if you wear all the time.”

“There is no way I can do that!”

“And forget about toilet breaks…”

“Noooo! I can’t! I can pretend I’m changing!”

“Oh right because you’ve never been walked in on! Our bathroom locks are the worst! Look at it this way: Would you prefer the entire school believing you have a condition, or the entire school knowing you shit yourself in class to help you get off? In fact, I’m pretty sure you can get expelled for that!”

“What?!”

—

As my school bus approached, in the early morning sun of the day after, I found my fear escalating. It was as if I was on my way to be executed! I can’t believe people saw what I’d done! I’m the joke of the school! The bus pulled to a stop in front of me, and for a noticeable second I questioned whether or not I wanted to live any more. Everyone’s staring at me!

As I climbed onto the bus’ high step, I heard my diaper crinkle beneath my skirt. I braced myself for the hailstorm of abuse, but there was nothing. Literally none at all mentioned it! It actually went unusually quiet as I walked up the bus, nobody looking into my eyes. Everyone was fixated on my skirt! Even though they were staring, I felt like the perv! Even now I’m getting a thrill out of it! Maybe a week won’t be too bad… I sat down quickly, keeping to myself. Yeah, maybe it’ll be ok.

—

Two years later…

—

I glanced up at the clock. Two years ago, to this very minute, I fingered and messed myself, and then exposed it to the entire classroom. That’s when it all started. Here’s what happened from then to now:

I remember Emily’s smart advice: To hide the truth, I need to wear diapers while around other students. It’s only at school, she reasoned. It was even fun to begin with.

Getting used to wearing them every day was hard! I supposed it helped that everybody knew, but I soon began to miss wearing panties to school! I didn’t drop PE, and eventually I got used to standing in the changing rooms in a bra and diaper.

I quickly realized, however, that I’d need to wear every time I went into town, after a close call involving a trip to the cinema and a gust of wind with my school friends all around. That didn’t seem too much worse at the time, and the idea of everyone finding out was… horrible.

I didn’t use my diapers much at first: Wearing for most of the day sort of took away the thrill so I rarely wanted to piss myself… but trying to use the bathroom became so much of a worry that I eventually gave in to it. It was just easier to pretend to be incontinent. I couldn’t use toilets that had auto-flushers, stalls that had gaps or holes, or even stalls with broken locks! It didn’t leave many options.

Saying that, I refused to mess myself until an incident in a café bathroom. There was only one toilet, and literally seconds before I was about to go number two, one of the girls from school knocked on the door. I recognized her voice. Knowing all too well that I couldn’t even flush the toilet without sounding suspicious, I put my diaper back on and left, desperate for the toilet.

Emily reminded me not to squirm in my seat, because, naturally, as an incontinent person I shouldn’t be able to feel like I need to go. Finally, on the bus ride home, I couldn’t hold it any more. I literally lost control, surrounded by my friends. For the second time ever, I was glad they thought I was incontinent. After that, those kinds of accidents became slowly more frequent.

I eventually learnt where I can and can’t go to actually use the toilet, and so even if I didn’t like the places where I could go, I pretend to so we’d go more often. In areas of town where there was no-where available, it became second nature to use my diapers. Or, if it was number two, I’d hold it until I get home.

Home! The one place I could drop the act! I could wear panties and get away from the diapers and the mess! Putting on panties felt liberating! Like finishing work on Fridays!

Unfortunately, things got harder and harder to hide from Mum and Dad. I really didn’t want them to find out that I wore diapers, but when the summer rolled around it became especially difficult due to the clothes I needed to wear. Almost all summer clothes are slightly transparent! I couldn’t show off my legs and the diapers by design go so far up my back that I couldn’t even wear shorts without a dark top! Understandably, my family eventually discovered the pretend incontinence, and I was forced to lie to them to about a condition I didn’t even have! They believed it; why else would I walk in wearing a messy diaper?

Thankfully, I was old enough for them to trust that I was doing all I can to get it sorted, and they weren’t curious enough to check the name of the problem I’d said I had, so they weren’t nosy and it wasn’t too embarrassing. The issue, of course, was that I no longer had the diaper-free sanctuary of home! My panties, my bathroom for those disgusting number twos, my diaper liberty… Gone! I couldn’t use the bathroom when they were at home, and Mum was always at home! Loosing that really hit my confidence: Before they found out, I knew that I was only pretending to wear and use diapers, but after that? I was in diapers 24/7. Even if I didn’t need them, there was so little I could do that it felt like I did!

When you’re in this situation, there is a certain point that you realize, why hold it in? Why think about my bladder? It’s like, imagine if you’re given something heavy but you can drop it where you like! Every time its handed to you, you just drop it, because why wait? I hated that fact! That’s what incontinent people do! So, metaphorically, I held onto the weight as often as I could. I would hold it until I would normally have gone to the toilet. Every time, I felt stupid, like I was pretending. I had changed from pretending to other people that I need diapers to pretending to myself that I don’t. Hell, technically, I can say quite truthfully that I need diapers, just not for the reasons people think!

My bowels were worse. You have to realize that since my parents found out, I get more opportunities to go number two in a public toilet than at home! As a result, I spend all day in town looking for an opportunity to go, and on the days that I can’t, as soon as one of my friends suggests we get a bus back to our village, its game over. Yet I hold it in until I’m at the front door, praying that Mum isn’t home! I turn the key, enter the house and hear “Hello darling!” At that moment, before I even kick off my shoes, I squat and let go. I clean myself up, put my diaper into the pail and continue the lie.

I remember the moment it became too much, and I decided that I definitely cannot wear diapers too much longer! I was sitting with a group of friends as they talked about where to go next in town. I knew that if I asked them to go to Starbucks – which is one of my toilet havens – they’d all say it’s overpriced and they’re not thirsty. In actual fact, I didn’t even have any money left for a coffee.

I was getting pretty desperate, and as I realized I’d be squatting in my hallway intentionally taking a dump into a diaper with my toilet just upstairs, I blurted out to my friends that they may be able to find a cure for my “problem”. They all said that’s great, and one of the girls asked what actually caused my incontinence. The last time I was asked this it was from my not-medically-literate father…

I literally had no idea what to say so I blurted out something about an accident I had when I was younger that caused more damage than the doctors realized, and after so many years the nerve cells just broke down, and that’s why it happened so quickly. My family thought it was just temporary and I had a ton of tests but after… what sounds realistic? After six months we found out the accident had caused long term nerve deterioration. Emily had been telling me a few weeks ago about a distant cousin who became incontinent as a result of an accident but because I haven’t had a serious injury recently I had to say it was from a long time ago.

Emily then brought up her relative, saying that he managed to recover from temporary paralysis. I said;

“Yeah, exactly!”

“But the doctors specifically said they cured it because they knew about it so soon, and that if it wasn’t treated immediately it would be permanent.”

After that, everyone looked at me knowingly saying “I’m sorry.”

“They may be able to find a cure though!”

Three of the girls said;
“Really?”
“For paralysis!?”
“That’s incredible! I bet it’ll be all over the news!”

Emily rubbed my arm, saying: “They’ve started looking into a cure yeah, but that takes years! And, I’m sure when they do discover it, it’ll really help new cases, but realistically, after so many years, the muscle deterioration would be… Sorry but you have to be real.”

I can’t believe she said that! I left the group soon after, heading to Starbucks to try to sneak to their toilets. As it turned out, a girl from school was there, so I asked her.

“Hey, yeah sure. The toilet is out of order-” she lowered her voice “-but you can use the room to… you know, freshen up.”

“Thanks.” Typical! When she wasn’t looking I left the shop, only realizing afterwards that I could have gone and changed in there. I was feeling so shit that day that I let go on the bus. It was sort of like my own version of self-harming. I thought accidentally convincing my friends that I’ll never get better was the worst part of the day, but I found out after walking home with a sticky mess between my thighs that it was one of the rare occasions that I could have used my own bathroom. Mum was out!

After that, my only hope of being diaper free was to lose all communication with everyone I care about… I realized that the only way I could do that was to travel as often as possible. I didn’t particularly enjoy traveling, but it was the only option I had to have that liberty!

I was still holding on to the ‘weight’ as often as I could, still feeling ridiculous every time. My night times were getting especially lazy, and often I would just let go.

—

Eight months ago, I’d saved up enough money to finally travel! When I told the girls I was going to Spain for the week to get away and they all said they’d come with! How did it not occur to me that they’d want to do that!? So, I spent all my holiday money on a trip to an especially hot country. Heat and diapers don’t get along, and while they were enjoying bikinis, swimming, sun bathing and shopping, I only came out for the night life. I was the palest person there by a mile!

Six months ago Emily and I told our friends we were going to the Alps this winter.

Five months ago I realized that I’ve been waking up wet without any recollection of waking up to pee. That day I told myself I’d never let go of my bladder straight away again!

Four months ago I realized my control at night wasn’t coming back.

Three months ago I had so little hope that I realized that I was having an actual accident in the cinema, during the day, while I was wide awake!

One month ago I was lucky not to have an accident in the cinema.

Yesterday, as Emily arrived, I took off my diaper and slid my first pair of panties on in over a year! I expected to feel great, but I didn’t. I wanted to be grinning from ear to ear, looking sexy again, but I just couldn’t find it in me! Even as I looked at myself in the mirror, in my new matching set, I couldn’t help but know the truth. I was pretending! The reality had changed!

My barely concealed diaper rash gave that away. The fear carved into my head, by months of real incontinence, that I might wet myself gave it away. My longing to put my diapers back on gave it away!

I could hear Emily running up the stairs in my house, and I beamed at her! I’m pretending. I blushed at her complement and told her how I can’t wait to go swimming! I was pretending. I even had the audacity to laugh when she asked if I’d been affected by long term diaper use. Of course not, I said. I was pretending.

Just before we left, I told her I needed the bathroom. She grinned at me. At this point it actually felt patronizing… That day, I didn’t even have the courage to leave the house without a thick disposable between my legs! I felt like I was back in that classroom!

As I sat on the plane, sitting next to Emily, I realized how horrible it’s going to be. As if the Gods were playing with me, after a light cloud of turbulence, I discovered my bowel control isn’t nearly as good as I thought it was! One minute I was thinking about getting up to go to the bathroom, the next… I’d messed myself. Emily looked at me suddenly;

“You’re wearing panties right?” I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t even pack any.